A friendly disposition.
I’m a smiley woman, was a smiley girl, a smiley kid, and a smiley baby (so I’ve heard). This brings out a variety of reactions in people:
“I love that you always have a friendly smile on your face.”
“What are you so happy for?”
“Are you ever sad?”
“What the fuck are you smiling at?”
And on the days where even I just can’t bear a smile, the dreaded comment every woman (Men? Do you guys have to put up with this?) gets on the shittiest of days:
“You’d be a whole lot prettier if you smiled.”
Booooo. I’m really grateful my face usually rests in a smile so I don’t have to deal with that comment often – gah! I’m so sorry my crankies deem me less attractive to you, random old man. The goal of my day was to give you something pretty to look at. The worst!
Nowadays my smile is genuine, but it wasn’t always so. I used to fake happy constantly, I didn’t mean to, but certainly did. There was this awful fake nervous laugh that accompanied it too, I saw it once on video. So embarrassing.
It still falls out from time to time but it used to mean, “I’m laughing, see, I’m totally fine, really I am, like me, please, cause I sure don’t”. Now it usually falls out when someone thinks they’ve said something hilarious and is staring at me like I should feel the same way.
When I was young I was dealing with a whole lot of things that my friends weren’t, my mother struggled with alcoholism and manic depressive disorder (now called bipolar). I didn’t want them to know, I didn’t want to know. I think the fake happy was a subconscious way of evading the question, “what’s wrong?”. It worked.
I think this blog will be about going from a fake smile to a genuine one. I’m not going to say that I know anything about anything, but being genuinely happy isn’t something that most people have figured out. So I figure my experiences may be useful in helping others find peace in their mind and lotsa love in their heart. Plus, a lot of them are pretty funny. I think. You may fake laugh.