Letting go-clearing up my juju.

I awoke yesterday morning with tears in my eyes.  The mood that began at the end of my last post intensified throughout the day and I lied in bed for hours with anxious thoughts, knowing that I should meditate but fighting it and staying in my pitying thought patterns instead.

I dreamt awful dreams all night.  Most of them had vanished by morning but I remember waking and crying a few times.  They all had to do with leaving home.  Mainly people from there judging me and saying that I couldn’t make it away from Alaska.  One was just about the majestic scenery and I awoke crying because I miss it (the views, especially the mountains) already.

I awoke full of upset and dire sleepy confusion.  I got a hug from my dear roomie and calmed down, then decided I should check out a new part of town and walk for hours to clear my head.  It was a lovely day, and really helped me gain some missing perspective.  I’ve been so busy adventuring and meeting new people and drinking and laughing and dancing—I didn’t even notice I had lost it.  But, I had indeed.  It must have slipped into some tasty beverage or new sight somewhere…

It’s true that I love all of the shenanigans, I love ’em lots.  I also have a tendency to bury myself in them when there is too much to process.  In the first 10 days in my new city, I went out 9.  Some of them were fairly mellow, but lots were pretty epic.  The kind of days that are like six days in one!…you look back at the beginning of your day from bar close and go, “How was that today?  Seriously?!?“.

Anyways, I was thinking about the factors that led to my “fuck you” rant, and the dreams that followed.  The negativity from others as I was leaving has nothing to do with me, and has a lot more to do with them and their relationships to Juneau.  And if it does have to do with me-why on earth should I care?  It’s none of my business, and I have better things to do.

Ahhhhh.  Release.  I still have a whole lot to figure out in this new life, like, a whole lot-but at least I let go of that fear that was no doubt messing with my juju.  Thoughts become things…

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