Brutally rebuffed-tuning in to calm it down.

Brutally rebuffed.  Just had a phone interview for a job, I did my best.  Explained my experiences, highlighted my strengths and successes…it came down to my small pond success just doesn’t translate into this ocean of a market.  Ugh.

I started tearing up as I was doing the whole, “I’m very interested in your company and if anything that suits me opens up” bit.  When we hung up I clicked back on my Pandora and Madeleine Peyroux started singing, “smile, even though you feel like crying”.  Of fucking course.  It couldn’t be some pitying song about how nothing is working, but something telling me to shake it off.  Take the advice I’m purveying to others.  Fiiiiine.

I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes now, every song is doing the same thing.  Don’t Get Lost in the Darkness, Meet Me on the Sunny Side of the Road—-and now even fucking Elliot Smith is on First Day of my Life.  Sheesh.

It’ll be fine.  One of the last times I felt in utter disappointment I was crying and wondering if anything will ever work out and a tiny voice inside whispered, “better that you can imagine”.  I just have to trust that.

Even now, as I’m trying to shake off feeling sorry for myself but really wanting to crawl into ball of self-pity; there is a calm knowing.  It feels almost amused.  It’s both centering and annoying to me in this moment.

THAT.  That is the result of meditation. 

Behind my whiny thoughts there is a calm centered background that never leaves.  It’s always there for everyone, but the difference is being able to tune into that background even when you feel shitty shit shitty.

It dissipates the whiny thoughts and reminds me that this is just a part of a bigger picture.  To continue feeling sorry for myself would be like crying over a broken twig amidst a healthy gorgeous forest.

Okay, time to meditate then perhaps read in the perfect 80 degree sunshine.  Life is good.

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