I wrote the pilot of the idea in this post, and it was a whole lotta FUN.
Exterior Scene, outside of a coffee shop. Two women chatting in the sun. Woman talking looks exasperated.
Terry: I don’t know, I don’t know, it’s just balls. I’m tired of talking about it. How are you, what’s new with you? How are Todd and the kids?
Falen: Ooooh, mostly great. Todd and I have been fighting over what’s going on with Lucy, a LOT.
Terry: She still being a weirdo?
Falen: Hey, fuck you dude, she’s not weird. She’s just quiet and different from the other little mongrels at that school. They’re screaming and running around all crazy-like, and she just doesn’t vibe with them, you know? Todd thinks she’s autistic, the idiot. He’s really pissing me off. SCRUNCHES FACE UP WITH FRUSTRATION
Terry: Don’t make that face, you look like a fart-smeller. FALEN ROLLS HER EYES, BUT SMILES. That kid’s fucking awesome. Albert Einstein didn’t talk until he was Lucy’s age, and a bunch of other wicked smaaaaat people too. She’s probably going to start talking and just be like, you know, a fucking prodigy—coffee?
FALEN LAUGHS AND NODS, TERRY GRABS BOTH CUPS AND WALKS AWAY, THE COASTER STICKS TO FALEN’S MUG AND REVEALS A BUSINESS CARD BENEATH IT. IT READS:
We’ll Inspire Tranquility
FALEN SMIRKS AT THE CARD, AND GOES “HMMM”. TAPS IT ON THE TABLE AND ZONES OUT THOUGHTFULLY.
Interior Scene, in a college dorm room. Tyler unpacking, lifting bong out of box. Hears noise at the door and stuffs it back in spastically.
Matt: Hey! I’m across the hall-Matt. WAVES
Tyler: Aw, dude, you scared the shit out of me. Hey-Tyler. WAVES. LIFTS BONG BACK OUT AND SETS IT ON TABLE.
Matt: Ah-you toke? PULLS OUT GREENS, TYLER GRINS AND DOES A LITTLE HAPPY DANCE, THEY LIGHT UP
Tyler: Sweeeeet, can you hook me up? I just moved from Alaska, you from here?
Matt: For sure. Sort of, Hood River. Alaska? That’s cool. What’d you do there?
Tyler: Board in the winter, fish in the summer. Hike, school, toke, booze it up. Not a bad life, nooot a bad life for Tyler. Amped to switch it up though, I like it here. You windsurf?
Matt: TOKES, COUGHS Nah. Not at all. I’m stoked to be out of there. My boyfriend…stayed though, I miss…him. [LOUDER AND EXAGGERATED AT BOYFRIEND AND HIM
Tyler: LAUGHS Ha, you’re gay dude, I get it. Don’t care man.
Tyler: Haaha, whoa. That’s some good shit, I am stooooned.
Matt: Right? Hey. Are you too good for the munchies, man?
Tyler: Ha! Fuck no, bro. Lead the way.
THEY EXIT THE ROOM.
Exterior scene, DT Portland waterfront. Three ridiculously hip sunglassed girls sit in the grass with pressed juice.
Amy: School starts tomorrow! VERY CHEERFUL SING-SONGY VOICE
Olivia: Why are you happy about that fact?
Sandra: Oh shit, that’s right. You don’t know about our little Lolita’s plan yet… THEY BOTH TURN TO FACE AMY
Amy: I’m gonna bone Mr. Krazinski. SMILES COYLY AND TAKES A DRAG OF HER CIGARETTE
Olivia: Yeah, that’s going to happen. Any thirty year old who would actually consider hooking up with a teenager would be a creeper loser, and totally not boneable. Mr. Krazinski is hot, and brilliant, and incredibly boneable. Therefore, you don’t stand a fucking chance.
Amy: POUTS You don’t know that. I’m very mature for my age, why wouldn’t he want a woman in her sexual prime?
Olivia: You’re not in your sexual prime. Women sexually peak in their mid-thirties. You’re barely out of the latent period, and a little stuck on the oral stage based on the way you’re treating that cig.
Amy: Shut up Olivia, no one likes Freud. I’m still gonna try.
Olivia: Great. Then when you bitches leave me for college I’ll be known as ‘that girl who hung out with the slut who was always throwing herself at teachers.
Sandra: Olivia, you’re being a drag. Drink your juice and enjoy the sun.
Olivia: Yeah, and why is it so fucking hot? It’s September for fuck’s sake.
Sandra: Damnit Olivia. We’re going to be here for another year, are you going to be a whiny little bitch for all of it or are we going to have some fucking fun?
Olivia: SIGHS. Fucking fun.
Amy: Yeah! ENTHUSIASTICALLY CHEERS THE OTHER TWO
Interior Scene, Falen and Todd’s home. Falen and Todd are in living room, mid-intense conversation.
Todd: I’m just saying, it’s time to do something. If she’s autistic, or has a speech problem, or whatever the issue is, it’s time to address it. The sooner we start trying, the sooner we’ll have a plan of action.
Falen: A plan of action? She’s our baby, not a way to improve sales.
Todd: That reminds me, I got a call from Lester earlier, he’s coming by in a few minutes to pick me up.
Falen: You’re going into work on a Sunday? And why does he have to come here? Carpooling’s great and all, but that guy gives me the icks.
Todd: He’s fine, I don’t know what your problem is with him. Yeah, the marketing team is starting a new campaign featuring a talking platypus on Monday and we need to adjust the sales pitches accordingly.
Falen: What does a platypus have to do with insurance?
Todd: Nothing. It’s about image.
Falen: And you want the image of a platypus?
LUCY GIGGLES FROM THE OTHER ROOM AND WALKS IN, CURLS INTO FALEN’S LAP.
Falen: TICKLES LUCY, WHO GIGGLES MORE. Daddy’s being silly, huh? MORE GIGGLES
STOMPING UP THEIR FRONT STAIRS, LESTER KNOCKS AND OPENS THE DOOR WITHOUT AN ANSWER. LUCY RUNS OUT OF SIGHT.
Todd: See? NODDING IN LUCY’S DIRECTION
Falen: WHISPERS Indicative of her being a great judge of character, not behavioral abnormality. LOUDER How ya doing Lester?
Lester: Oh rockin’ it you know, just rockin’ it. BOBS HEAD UP AND DOWN, ELBOWS AND BELLY POKING OUT. You’re looking hot, as always.
Falen: Right, thanks. SHOOTS LOOK AT TODD, WHO STIFLES AN EMPATHETIC LAUGH
Todd: See you this evening, my hot wife. KISSES FALEN, QUICK, BUT GOOD
Falen: TRYING TO REMAIN ANNOYED, BUT FAILING Yeah, bye. Good luck with the platypi sales tactics. TODD AND LESTER LEAVE. FALEN SHAKES HER HEAD AT THE DOOR, LUCY COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM. Hello my angel! FALEN SITS, AND LUCY CRAWLS BACK INTO FALEN’S LAP. BACK DOOR SLAMS AND WE HEAR EXCITED FOOTSTEPS. FALEN SMILES.
Gaby: Mom! Mom! You home?!
Falen: Sure am baby, in the living room! How was the museum?
GABY RUNS IN, LUCY BEAMS AT HER AND SCOOTS BETWEEN HER SISTER AND MOM WHEN GABY SITS DOWN
Gaby: That was SO COOL! OMSI had a display on Egypt-it’s my new favorite thing! See they had great times of halcyon peace, then all of a–
Falen: What did you just say?
Gaby: SMILES PROUDLY Halcyon, it means a tranquil influence. The tour guide used it. I like it. [keeps talking about Egypt]
FALEN TAKES THE BUSINESS CARD OUT OF HER POCKET AND STARES AT IT FOR A SECOND, THEN PULLS OUT HER PHONE
Falen: Hold on a second, baby, I’m going make a quick call.
OLIVIA WALKS IN, LOOKING ANNOYED. LUCY RUNS OVER AND HUGS HER, AND HER IRRITATION VANISHES AS SHE HUGS HER BACK.
Interior Scene, Wendy and Morgan at Meridian Cafe with beers and apps.
Wendy: Ooooh, this is divine. Did I give you any yet? Here, you have to have some. CAREFULLY PLACES A BITE OF HER FOOD ON HER FORK AND FEEDS IT TO MORGAN Yes?
Morgan: Yes. Mmm. Not as divine as you though, my love. You look more gorgeous than ever today, what’s different?
Wendy: LAUGHS Nothing, my darling kiss ass. THEY LEAN IN AND KISS OVER THE TABLE, THEN SIT AND MAKE GOOGLEY EYES AT EACH OTHER. SUDDENLY THEY BOTH GLANCE ON THE INACTIVE CELL PHONE SITTING ON THE TABLE AND SMILE. MORGAN PICKS IT UP.
SPLIT SCREEN 80’S STYLE WITH MORGAN AND FALEN
Morgan: Halcyon WIT, Morgan here.
Falen: Oh! Oh, it hadn’t rang yet on my end. I didn’t expect an answer at all on a Sunday.
Morgan: SHRUGS Cell phones. When we don’t feel like working, we simply don’t answer. We’re finishing lunch and heading over to the office in a bit, you free in an hour? We’re on Hawthorne.
Falen: Oh. Uhm, yeah, yeah, I can do that.
Morgan: Great! See you then. SCREEN PUSHES A STUNNED AND CONFUSED FALEN INTO THE CORNER. MORGAN AND WENDY FINISH THEIR BEERS, WENDY LEAVES CASH, AND MORGAN PLACES A BUSINESS CARD IN TABLE TENT. SCREEN MOVES BACK THE OTHER WAY, PUSHING OUT WENDY AND MORGAN, LEAVING FALEN AND HER BROOD.
Olivia: What was that? GRABS THE BUSINESS CARD OUT OF FALEN’S HAND Spiritual Therapist? Are you okay mom?
Falen: Yeah, yeah, totally. I found it earlier and I’m just curious. Aren’t you? Have you ever heard of such a thing?
Olivia: Yeah mom, they’re called priests. And they are a croc.
Falen: SMILES AT OLIVIA, BOTH ANNOYED AND PROUD Whatever stinker, I’m going. Mind watching the kiddos?
Olivia: Yeah, like I’m going to miss this. We’ll all go.
Interior Scene, an office. Wendy and Morgan are waiting, playing the card game SET.
ALL FOUR LADIES WALK IN. WENDY AND MORGAN QUICKLY COUNT THEIR MATCHES.
Wendy: 7! Maybe next time honey. TURNS TO THE GROUP Hey there!
FALEN INTRODUCES HERSELF AND THE GIRLS, MORGAN AND WENDY DO THE SAME. LUCY JUMPS UP AND DOWN A BIT AND RUNS OVER TO THE THERAPISTS. THE THREE SMILE KNOWINGLY.
Wendy: Hello Lucy! Such big beautiful eyes!
Morgan: C’mon girls, let’s go entertain ourselves in the Waiting Room! We’ve got frozen yogurt!
Olivia: You have a frozen yogurt machine in the waiting room of a therapy office? That’s weird.
Morgan: SHRUGS You like frozen yogurt or not?
LUCY GIGGLES, OLIVIA PICKS HER UP AND THEY ALL WALK OUT. MORGAN SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
Wendy: Have a seat, Falen. Tell me what brings you here.
Falen: I found your card, just this morning actually, at a coffee shop.
Wendy: Best source of marketing we’ve found. Why’d you call?
Falen: Lucy, my youngest…well, I don’t know what it would have to do with you guys. I just had a funny feeling when I saw the card, then Gaby used this halcyon word I had never heard of, so I called. Ha! That probably sounds ridiculous, I don’t know why I’m here.
Wendy: You don’t sound ridiculous at all, this is very familiar to me. Does Lucy refuse to talk?
Falen: Yes…she rarely speaks…
Wendy: She knows how, very likely, just doesn’t understand the need for it. Do you ever have trouble knowing what she wants, or how she feels about something?
Falen: No. Never, actually. It’s a lot easier to know what’s on her mind, sans words, than my teenager who talks all the time.
Wendy: And what about you? Did you have a troubled childhood?
Falen: What does that have to do with anything? Yes.
Wendy: We’ll get to it. Trouble with authority?
Falen: Only when they’re dillholes.
Wendy: Have you ever had a mystical experience?
Falen: LOOKS DOWN Uhm. Often, I suppose. SPEAKS QUICKLY I get flashes of scenes in my head that often happen later. Sometimes it’s just a thought of something that hasn’t happened yet, then it happens later that day. Sometimes I can hear people talking about things involving me when I’m not there, and it gets confirmed later. I remember before I was born, I wasn’t looking forward to incarnating. WOW. I’ve never said that out loud. SIGHS AND LOOKS DOWN.
Wendy: You’re not crazy, and these things are nothing to be ashamed of. More people have these gifts than you would guess, but everyone is embarrassed to talk about it. More and more people are discovering these abilities, or being born with them-like Lucy-everyday. We’re evolving, just like every other species on the planet. Our next step has to do with consciousness.
Falen: You’re tripping me out.
Wendy: That happens.
Interior scene, same table at Meridian Cafe. Tyler and Matt sit down.
Matt: Best happy hour in the city! You have an ID, right?
Tyler: Fuck yeah, bro.
WAITER COMES OVER AND CHECKS THEIR IDS, THEY SIT UP AWKWARDLY STRAIGHT AND MAKE TIGHT-LIPPED SMILES. THE WAITER ROLLS HIS EYES.
Waiter: What’ll it be?
Tyler: Do your thing, dude.
Matt: [lists a crazy large amount of appetizers], and a fish bowl cocktail.
THE WAITER WALKS AWAY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING
Tyler: What’s his problem?
Matt: He’s a hipster. Serving us is, like, below him…LAUGHS. WHISPERS. I’m still soooo baked!
Tyler: Ha, right?
WAITER DROPS OFF HUGE DRINK WITH GIANT STRAWS AND PLASTIC ANIMALS. THE GUYS LOSE IT LAUGHING, THE WAITER LOOKS ANNOYED AGAIN.
Matt: CATCHING HIS BREATH El bano, be right back.
TYLER TAKES A LONG SIP OF THE COCKTAIL AND DOES HIS LITTLE HAPPY DANCE, THEN NOTICES THE HALCYON CARD AND PICKS IT UP.
SHOT OF THE CARD IN HIS FINGERS.
END. CUE AWESOME MUSIC AND CLEVER END TITLES.