The Ick, or “The Mean Reds”.

I watched a documentary last night called “Connected” that started me on a nice little emo breakdown.  It’s a brilliant film, recommend, ha.  No, I really do though.  It got me all riled up because the creator/director and her father are the focal points of the film, along with the rest of their super-connected family.  They all count on each other 100%, and call each other everyday, and see each other all the time…they were amazing.  I want it.

I am alone.  I haven’t seen a friendly face in weeks.  I’m not in a good way lately, having a little/lot trouble with this “getting my life together” bit.  Have I driven the few friends I made here/my super longtime friends away because I’m having a hard time?  If that’s possible, are they really friends?  Does it have nothing to do with me, and they just have their own stuff to deal with?

This much alone time is making me question who I am, you know?  Without the mirrors of others to let me know that I’m funny, or uplifting, or caring—or being self-involved, or depressing, or ANYTHING; I feel like I’m forgetting how I am around other people.

You know when you can feel the blues simmering?  I’ll be fine, vibes all high and cruisin’, then all of a sudden I’m wicked tired and sad for a reason I can’t quite articulate.  Like a simmering ick that’s waiting to pull me into it.  Anyways, the ick has been biting at my heart, and I decided awhile ago to stop drinking until it’s replaced with awesome again.  I think I need to face it…the ick.

This isn’t depression.  I’ve been depressed.  I don’t think to myself, “what is the most self-serving way to treat my being in this situation?” when I’m depressed.  When I was depressed it was so all-consuming that I couldn’t imagine anything but the ick.  Life outside of it had vanished, it was beyond pain, and beyond lethargy; both of those times infinity and combined.  I’m just going through something.  Some shite to deal with.

I woke up this morning from a dream that had several unpleasant parts.  I was standing on a hill with a close friend and she was talking about her glamorous life, and my shoes kept slipping.  She looked at me like, “why on earth would you be slipping?  How odd”.  An acquaintance was parked in the middle of the road, and I let her know she had to move ’cause my high school sweetheart (of course, right?) was looking at me pityingly and motioning that he needed by.  She screamed at me that she knew that already!!!  Fun stuff like that.  Like ten more things.  Over and over. Woke up crying.  Oy vey!

I’ve never intentionally done shadow work.  I think maybe it’s time I try.  If I ever want beautiful merry flying dreams again.  I don’t know how, but I’m sure YouTube can tell me.  YouTube knows everything.  It doesn’t sound very fun, but I don’t feel very fun right now, so I might as well get something out of it.  Eh?  Wish me luck.  And friends.  And a job.  I wish you all things delightful as well.

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