Giving up hoping.

Last summer I applied for to a job, and proceeded to become OBSESSED with it, as I’d done, so, so, sooo many times before.  My instincts were telling me, “This experience isn’t about getting that job, it’s a learning experience”.  I ignored that gut feeling and talked incessantly about how I felt that I was going to get it.

I had two interviews that left me feeling iffy about the opportunity, like it wasn’t quite a good fit, but continued on anyways, “I just know this is IT!”.  The pay was awful, the hours redonk, no benefits, I didn’t mesh with one of the owners, and the other gave me an apologetic smile that let me know she had someone else in mind. Still I went on, “This is IT!”.  It was a job in the realm of spirituality, and that’s all I saw, ironically ignoring all of my spiritual tools in regard to it.

I found out I didn’t get it, and cried and cried and cried, and then got shitfaced with a buddy, and laughed and laughed and laughed.  I woke up the next morning with the most vivid and clear thought – “Stop hoping.”

I shook my head.  The energy of the thought was very light and empowering, but those words…stop hoping.  I’d always associated hope with optimism, why would I give that up?  This was the answer that arose:

Replace it with knowing.  Knowing that things are always working out for my highest and best interest, and that I don’t always know what that looks like.

Well, shit.  That’s hard to argue with, Self.  It’s brilliant for a few reasons:

1) It releases attachment to the outcome.  Buddha and many other homies say doing just that is the key to living a life sans suffering. Detachment keeps us living in the moment, knowing that happiness is always now, and not when we get whatever thing it is we have our eye on.

2) Hoping has the energy of “not having”, it’s repelling.  Totes bad juju.

3) It’s more fun to sit in knowing than in hoping.  The former is peaceful and surrenders, the latter is anxiety-ridden and clings.  I’d rather feel chill.

It will all work out exactly as it’s supposed to.  I will achieve my dreams in some fashion.  What that looks like and how I get there are sure to surprise and delight me.  (Maybe while it’s happening, and perhaps in hindsight.)

I watched Under the Tuscan Sun yesterday (don’t you judge my love of chick flicks), it ends with a lovely quote, “unthinkably good things can happen”.  I may not know exactly what the good things are; but I know they sure can happen, and surely do.

 

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