I lost. I have to leave the beautiful home I dubbed Twinkle Light Manor on June 1st because my roommate “should be able to do whatever she wants and be as loud as she wants whenever she wants and also walk around naked” (that is a direct quote), and I value common courtesy, which is not aligned with the former statement. For realsies? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
I’m telling myself all the stuff I should; “this is all working out for the best”, “there is an even more well suited home for me”, “this is just being cleared to pave way for something better”. And I believe it.
I’m also pissed off though, and really hurt. My heart physically aches, I feel like I’m going through a break-up, I LOVED that place. (Love, still do…) I’m trying not to wonder what I’m doing wrong…why do I have to keep starting over? Fighting thoughts of, “it’s not fucking fair”, even though it isn’t fucking fair, those thoughts do nothing to help. They make me feel like a child throwing a tantrum, which is not an empowering feeling nor a healing one.
Sometimes when I feel defeated, but know that it’s just a passing feeling, as it always is; I ask myself what my heroes would do if they were in my situation. I think it will cheer me up to flush that out. Let’s do it…
Brené Brown: I’m reading her book, Daring Greatly, right now. It’s awesome. She is a researcher known for her work regarding vulnerability and shame, things I’m feeling lots of right now. I feel ashamed for being in this situation again, why can’t I just get it together? Feeling that way is bringing up all kinds of other memories that evoke the feeling, I’ve been riding a shame spiral.
In her research she’s discovered that shame cannot survive empathy. Just the act of speaking shame weakens it immensely, and speaking it to someone who’s got your back is a total shame killer. She would get a hold of a trusted friend, one that will hold a supportive space no matter what, and she would let it out.
Carl Sagan: He was an astronomer best known for Cosmos, the most soothing show ever. He oozed gratitude and awe about anything he spoke of, making the mundane seem magical. He also really loved pot. I think when faced with an upsetting situation he’d do what he could to fix it (of course), then he might toke up and think up quotes like, “we are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it’s forever”. This is just a blip, no biggie in the grand scheme.
Amy Poehler: I thought it was just her character on Parks and Rec, the tenacious, hard-working, and indefatigably optimistic Leslie Knope that was my hero. Then I discovered Smart Girls at the Party and realized it wasn’t just the fictional character I admire. Amy Poehler is hilarious, a quality I hold in very high esteem, but she is also wildly heart centered and authentic. I recently read her book, Yes Please, and more about this amazing woman was revealed – she’s such a badass, it’s nuts. Major kindness ninja and creator of so SO much awesome.
I think she’d Leslie Knope it up, and get some shit done. This situation is frustrating. I’m out and that’s it. There’s no way to “fix” it. I can work on finding the best situation possible for next time, but that’s about all I can do re: Home Disaster. However, I can work on creating awesome. Like this blog, or painting, or working on my novel.
Liz Gilbert: I fell in love with her when I read Eat, Pray, Love a bajillion years ago, but even more through following her on Facebook. She spouts out thoughtful and insightful posts multiple times a day, often helping strangers in the process. She posted something about having the courage to say YES today that I really liked. I think she’d be sure not to get wrapped up in her shit, be mindful, and keep her eyes peeled for the next opportunity. Then she’d say YES when it comes along.
Bill Fuckin’ Murray: I love his acting, of course, he’s a riot. I really admire his demeanor though. It’s like he’s in on some joke that the rest of us haven’t quite grasped, amused at a great bit that he can’t quite explain. Can you imagine him stressed out? I can’t do it. I see him shrugging and not worrying about it. I think he’d just go with the flow, not feeding any negativity coming his way, and make damn sure to enjoy himself. It’s all good.