Keepin’ on keepin’ on…

About nine years ago a friend of mine drank too much.  We had been at a lovely little beachside bar, then a dive, then another, and then drunkenly walked to the drive-through at some gut-bomber of a fast food restaurant.  I hovered at her bathroom door as she praised the porcelain god.  I had tried to hold her hair back, but she had yelled at me to back off.

“I’ll just, uh, let you do your thing then…”, I said, “I’ll be upstairs, let me know if you need anything…”
“No!  You can’t just leave me!”
“Oh.  Okay, well, can I get you anything?”
“You don’t need to hover, I’m not a child!”

And so it went.

In regard to people, I’m relating to how my shitfaced friend felt nearly a decade ago.  I’m lonely, but I don’t want to see anyone.  Last night I spent two hours alone waiting in the ER, crying from the pain, but trying really hard not to make a scene.  (I don’t know what is going on, but it often feels like my spine has impaled my brain; and last night the pain skyrocketed, with a host of other freaky symptoms.)

“Can I call anyone for you?”, a sweet woman asked after getting me some tissues.  There’s people I could have had her call, but I didn’t.  Partially because I haven’t seen anyone in nearly two months.  Partially they haven’t reached out, and partially I keep cancelling on those who do.  It just hurts too damn much.  I told her no, and then I wept harder, lonely emotions fueling the fire, even though I really didn’t want anyone with me.  It just hurts to damn much.

I’m impossible.

I retract all of the teasing I gave to my sobered-up friend all those years ago.  I get it now, homes.

I’m in pain, I’m frustrated, and I don’t see how things are going to get better.  The things is – I never do.  And it always does.

For now I’m just taking lots of bubblebaths and keepin’ on keepin’ on…

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