It’s America’s birthday today, a time to celebrate the freedom of the people! This year’s political events have me feeling a little crackly, as gerrymandering and cash have elected an orange q-tip to run our nation. I also realized that I haven’t spent a holiday with another human since the last 4th of July. I got to see two out of townies just last week, and even went out and got schwilly with an old friend a couple of weeks before that, plus I feel like dookie––so I’m not feeling particularly sad or lonely about it, just reflective.
I hope that this is the last holiday I ever spend alone. I hope that by the next 4th I’m grilling up noms and playing in the water with my future husband. I keep daydreaming about running into the ocean. The cool water on my hot skin, the weight of the water against my legs, my feet sinking into the sand, diving in as it gets close to my belly button. Oooooh. (I went to the coast a week ago but couldn’t walk all the way to the ocean, and have spent the last week paying for my few warm sandy minute walk. Rawr.)
I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia since my last post, something that feels like the end of the line to me as everything else had to be ruled out first. I was still kinda hoping that despite all of my research and the efforts of my doctors they’d be like, “Oh! Turns out there’s this totally curable thing and you have it, and you’ll be better in no time.” Alas. Fibromyalgia has no cure, or even an agreed-upon cause. There is a correlation with the genetic mutations I have, as well as lots of folks out there suffering from both B12 deficiency and fibro. Poor bastards.
There’s part of me that still feels like as a spiritual person I should be able to like, energy, my way out of this. Like, if I can find a place of no-pain while in meditation, why can’t I just get it to do that all the time?? Ugh. I’m so fucking sick of hurting all the fucking time, I’m on the verge of tears from it now and I just got up an hour ago. (It gets worse as the day goes on, sleep kinda resets it.)
Ugh, boring. Hey I was able to get a car since the last post!! A friend of mine had a fundraiser for me while I was in the hospital, allowing me to write my landlord a big check (though I’m now just as behind, oy) and get me $500 wheels. The plan was to be able to network and get more jobs, I don’t know why I thought I’d magically be able to function better out in the world with a car, but I did.
I still can’t go out at night and pretend like I feel anything but about to cry from pain without boozing it up, and networking events aren’t magically now at 11am… But, I do have a couple good leads from referrals, and when they get hot I’ll be able to meet clients, which is HUGE. (As charming and fun as inviting strangers into my home was.)
Being able to go out into the world has been amazing, even if I still can only take advantage a few times a week! Little things, like being able to go back to the grocery store, or getting to sit in a park for a little while, really make a huge difference in this lil’ world of mine. Temporarily lil’, anyway. I still think that my world’s about to get big, real big. I’ve been feeling that way since 2013 though, haha. Still do though.
I’ve also started to teach meditation classes since my last post! They’ve been at a co-working space, only 4-5 people at each so far, with the last scheduled tomorrow. It’s been amazing to connect with people over something that matters to me so deeply, and I really really love doing it. However, it takes days to recover and I’m not going to get the social media following my Literary Agent needs with 4 people at a time, twice a month!
So I’m finally biting the bullet and learning to create video content. (Not a big fan of being on camera.) I’m planning to film in the next few days and learned how to edit yesterday, so hopefully the first one will be up this week. Send good juju there, and for this ol’ health pooparooni. Hope your day’s a goodie, future me, friends, strangers who Googled “orange q-tip”, and the rest of yous guys, whomever you are.❤