Went and got all emo again. I isolated the cause down to feeling very impatient and lonely.
I’m impatient because my birthday is tomorrow, and I’m reflecting on the past year…and it was fucking balls man. It sucked. Transformative? Oh, oh yes. Fun? NO. It was really really hard, and it’s been really really hard for a long time, and I know I created it, and I’m fixing it, but that doesn’t make it less hard. RAH.
Things suck right now externally, like BAD, but I keep remembering my internal landscape just a year ago and noting the change. I used to feel trapped in my mind; with worries about others’ thoughts, worries about potential situations, and self-hating bullshit. It still happens, but it’s brief. I generally take note, and let the thoughts float away. It used to be constant, constant! I would spent hours feeling unlovable because I thought I was fat (just to name one thing), I wasted days on it. Years. It’s hard to imagine now.
I’m impatient because I’ve done the internal work, I’ve faced a whole lot of my demons and squashed those buggers pretty darn good. Internally I’ve made worlds of improvement, externally—same ol’ shit as this time last year. Broke, alone, and in need of passionate activities. Saucy ones, and just things I care about in general. I’m ready to reap some fuggin’ rewards, man. I cannot maintain this level of rejection and failure. It’s no fun and makes me want to go Home.
I’m lonely because I feel like the few people I know in this city really don’t know me at all. A lot of psychic stuff has been happening lately, it’s kind of intense. I like it, I think, but I have no idea how to control it. I just suddenly know things, things nobody told me about, and then they’re confirmed. Who do I talk to about that?
I also astral traveled the other day finally (just for a second), I have no one with whom to share the fact that I’m finally learning how to self-induce an out of body experience and it’s really fun (more on that later, I do have you, strangers). I feel like I’m hiding the parts of myself that are actually the most important to me. I don’t want to be judged.
I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself right now, but one thing I don’t feel is fear. My situation’s pretty dire. It’s bad news bears. I really don’t know what I’m going to do, I have no idea how I’m getting by. Nothing left. Some fucker of a wise lil’ voice inside me says, “don’t sweat it, just resetting”. I’m going to be fine.
I’ll get what’s coming to me. It’s going to be awesome. I’m still getting that funny-uber-grateful-eyes-welling thing happening when I focus on my future, and the smile in my belly. I know with my smiley gut everything’s going to be way more than okay, phenomenal. Annnnnny fucking day now…
Times like these I’m grateful for Facebook. Tomorrow shit-tons of people I haven’t spoken to in years will tell me happy birthday, and trite or not, it’s gonna make me feel good. I’ve got that, damnit.
Alright, year 31, lucky number 31!!!